Dear Ex....

Dear ex-boyfriend,

I guess I don't really hate you, and I'm not angry. I just don't want you to be happy, ever.

See, I convinced you to stay for one more night to be with me, and 4 hours later, you were fucking my roommate. While I was still in the apartment. It was obviously time for you to go, but it still hurt my feelings the way you did it. Especially because you finished up and came to share my bed with me. And especially because she was engaged at the time, and you had met her guy and raved about how nice he was.

So what I want for you is a long life of disappointment. I want you to be miserable in your current relationship, and I want her to cheat on you the same way she cheated on her fiance and you cheated on me. I want you guys to break up, but not before you know the delicious pain of infidelity.

And after that, I want you to live out the rest of your days alone. Yes, you'll have girlfriends here and there, but I hope ALL of them cheat on you (like many have in the past), and I hope several of them give you STD's. Nothing fatal, just the painful, incurable kind that comes and goes. And I hope every time you discover that your girl is cheating on you, you think back to that time when you cheated on me instead of just dumping me.

Because I wouldn't have cheated on you, but you didn't pick me, did you?

-Tennessee

P. S. I think I deserve mad props from both of you. See, you two would have never met if it weren't for me! I think both of you should be worshipping me for helping you find your soulmate - even if it was on the wave of heartbreak. Instead, both of you got all butthurt about the situation and demanded I say nice things about you and congratulate you. Well, fuck you and your pretentiousness. I hope you make each other miserable.

P. P. S. Okay, I might've cheated on you, given the opportunity. What can I say? You're the kind of guy that's easy to cheat on!





Dear Ex Husband, I am so sorry that your AC went out yesterday and that your parents are taking their time to fix it. I'm sorry that your precious "customers" will be hot when they come to buy a dime bag. Oh and thanks for bragging about not having to pay rent in the house that we bought together while we are paying 500 for a house 1 street over. I hope you fry and melt into a douche puddle. Love, your Ex Wife

-Arkansas



Dear Ex Boyfriend,

Thanks so much for jizzing in my eye and breaking up with me in the shower 15 mins later.  That was so considerate of you to let me wash it out with water instead of tears.  I put everything I had into our relationship and it still failed.  The only thing that gives me joy is knowing that your new wife will probably blow up like a whale when she gets pregnant, and that she will try to control you for the rest of your life.  I hope you are miserable and I hope she gains 150 pounds.
Love, Your Ex Girlfriend

p.s.  I faked it the entire time we were together. 

-Arkansas